Bday 2

Well, the night went well.  Got very drunk though.  I don’t like getting drunk these days, the idea is nice but actually doing it sucks.  I worry cause the meds I am on, worry if I did anything wrong, worry in case I breakdown etc etc.

No2 was there which was a shock, or surprise and I felt real awkward as we hadnt spoken for a number of weeks.  I thought she left early but apparently it was about 11.  When she did leave I am sure she said or indicated something but I don’t know what it was, I kinda get the impression it was like call me but I don’t know if I am just reading into that.

I remember talking with Abbi and we had a real good hug whilst I cried a bit.  She was telling me about her son and his relationship to me as I was distressed at how people are slipping away from me.  I don’t remember WHAT I said but at some point I mentioned that she should stop referencing me so much as she was and she laughed and said "why, is there something you are not telling me?" before continuing.

I received my letter from London Saturday which was cool as it makes it seem far more real and possible.  Likewise, my anxiety has been substantiated now too by its contents, kinda in a strange position now.  Still thinking nothing can stop me but then doubt creeps in.  Defo gonna speak with counsellor this week.

This is short cause I feel so so tired, will write more another time.

Nat xx