Gone today, here tomorrow!!

Well, eventful day today, well, not so much from what I did as such but more from the bits I get to write about.

Was kinda non-chalent about the whole London thing today, almost thought when I awoke this morning of cancelling it cause I was just so so tired.  Anyway, fortunately I made my plans the night before which is most unusual for me, but enabled me to get away on time, wheeeeeeeeeeeee what a start!! Got to the station, ensured I also had an underground ticket after last time when I hadnt, on the train and bang, 15-20minute delay! My poor bed gooda had an extra long cuddle!

So once I got to London it took me a while to find the place but I got there about 20 or 30 mins too late and as I climbed the stairs I was dreading being turned away. Fortunately they were fine, I checked in, sat, freshened up and a cuppa tea was made for moi!  Once I was in talking with the guy I told him what I was on and wanted (which was yet another bod to know the story!) and it all went swimmingly.  I got the impression that he pretty much made an assumption and I was just confirming background details which is also kinda cool.

The guy talked to me and was telling me how I had a lovely face and features compared to some he has go through there and where he even thinks they are making the wrong choices etc.  I was a bit shocked at this as it isnt all about outer projection but he wouldn’t understand.  He also remarked on my skin and generally made me feel good about my future chances, saying that he thinks I will be successful in his opinion. Of course, needless to say I am quite sceptical about his remarks of me and my looks as fundamentally he was trying to sell me something, although I really wanna believe it cause it would make me feel real good.

Anyway, he had the doc draw a line across where they proposed to do their thing, this was bit of a shock as I was only expecting some kinda restorative process, not full on altering but wow.  When I was told what they would do and how it would be I was just a bit awash with thoughts and feelings then.  On the one hand I was a bit alarmed and 'frightend' by what they proposed as it was just all so whoah! I mean, this would be a fundamental change big time! It also sets a stage of potentially not being able to operate in the 'shadows' any longer.  Ultimately tho, things will become pretty damn obvious the further I go so its gonna happen at somepoint.  I guess I am just afraid of when that time is.

Sitting there I was going through tha range of feeling dubious, ecstatic, that I could really do it if I just say yes and deal with the consequences etc.  Its weird, at times I really believe that everything is possible for me and I know that in those moments everything will be ok and that I believe it is only me holding myself back.  Other times I just wanna curl up and forget the world outside, put things off because I am afraid people would notice etc etc.

I need to remember in the less assertive times that what I believe is stopping me do this, for example, is not the cost or what it is but more, how can I get away with it? How can I do it with minimal exosure or explaining to people around me.  Work is not immediately a problem as I can book time off then go back when its nights which gets another 7 days off without seeing anyone, more than enough apparently!  However, the weeks and months immediately following it would become harder without being obvious whats been done.  I would prefer therefore a new job around then but I have to be realistic, its gonna be a while before its all thicker so any new job would still present the same problem.  Now, I either be upfront and grin and bear it or think of a job solution that gives me plenty of time alone where it can happen 'privately'.  Both have pro's and cons, the current being that after the initial grief of them knowing what I done then life goes on.  The cons of a new job is that I could get stuck in it!!  Ah well, still a bit too soon to think properly, I need to talk to people.

Back to the doc.

I was told one session is likely to be enough and that’s to sort it all out (uh-wha?!), the rest is fine and the rest is ok now, just gotta catch up with the rest.  This bit still causes me a bit of doubt as it only seems to have resumed lengthening recently, so slow its dam hard to know if I am imaging it or not.  Anyway, he assures that it will thicken up normally and that I only need to worry about the proposed areas.  For this he will charge about £2800-£2900 all in.  First off that’s like, "HOW MUCH?!!" but when I think about it its for a life.  I have spent more than that on therapies and treatments for other related things dealing with myself and if this is all I need doing to be confident then its quite cheap.  As I said above, the main immediate hesitation is my surprise and concerns regarding such an unexpected fundamental change, but that concern is limited to others perceptions and how I deal with it, not a concern with the actual result itself.  Surely that’s indicative of something?

I am wrestling with making such a conscious alteration I think.  I shall think on this some more and bang my thoughts here, need bed now.

Think I am about to be struck with something too and that sucks.

Nat.
xx