Toosday

Well, got up after a long sleep today and visited the vampires, I seemed to be remembered from last time which may become embarrassing but I'll get over it.

Really wanted to get my door done today but it was raining too much and I don’t really wanna be out in that, will try again tomorrow.  Because of this I went to see my friend Dawn who I was originally going to see Weds but I have things I should be doing stacking up so that helped. 

Still been thinking of the London procedure loads, plaguing my mind which is a bit irritating.  I really want it done but am afraid of what people will think which is stupid.  None of their business same as what they do to them isnt any of mine.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Was talking to my mum on messenger as she still has problems coming to terms with my grans passing, I was trying to encourage her to see a counsellor in case that helps.  She didn’t ask me how come I 'know' so much about the process but hey, it works like that.  She apparently only recently acknowledged my shift changes despite my having ranted about them for a while now, I told her I was used to that and being invisible to others.  She may ring the docs tomorrow, she is funny about that kinda thing but I offered to accompany her should she need it.

I wanna tell her at least about my thoughts reagrding the London thing, but I think I need to research others experiences first, pretty sure I want it though, just afraid of what peeps will think.  S'funny, when with Dawn today I kinda realised, not sure if for the first time, that all my fears about the whole thing of change, not just the current concern, are about what others would think.  I don’t recall a time that it concerns me about what I am doing, always what will be thought.  I wish I could take comfort and inspiration with that.

Looking forward to be able to talk with counsellor on Weds about London, I feel it can take a more tangible reality then.  Of course, I will need it if I have any hope of going further and, unless I stop the meds (nooooooooooooooooo!!!!) I am going to run into a problem.  My path is therefore quite clear, certainly in this respect, I just need to feel more certain that its gonna work.  It really is the next stone in my stream and have little choice, I just gotta be more selfish.

Starting to think I will need more laser before the scheduled appointment in January, shall keep an eye on things and see how it goes as they close a little while before christmas.  Would be cool if I could have the London procedure before the Christmas break.

I really must write this earlier in the eve so I can be more articulate, interesting, meaningful and representative of my daily concerns.

Nat.  x