6 days...

Hi

Went to counselling Tuesday, we talked about the hair situation mostly and how permanent nights are going to give me some flexibility to do the procedure.  Still uncertain about it but I think its nerves as it is something I really want.  I think I really do have a hang up with having something 'done' to recreate the hair, whereas the meds are more 'incidental' as far as other people are concerned.  I am so silly to let them concern me as it is only a short while and then new peeps would know no better.

Grrrrr.

Was talking to my friend Dawn a couple of days ago and we talked about my last relationship and it bought back memories of how things were between her and I before she went out with the current boyfriend.  We were out for lunch one afternoon in a pub and just prior to going, (I believe it was a last minute thing), she asked if it was okay if she wore what she was wearing, which was a nice summer shift dress.  I asked why and she replied that she 'knew' I didn’t like that kinda thing.  It struck me at the time although I do not fully remember my thoughts or feelings as a result of it, however, I certainly get upset thinking that she always thought I may have hated or disliked her or her clothes or anything when in fact, any feelings she picked up from me were more likely to be attributable to jealousy or envy.

She has alawys displayed empathy towards my thoughts and feelings, at times stunning me into discreet silence with the things she had said, as if reading my mind.  The ones that I particularly remember are ones with my gender bias and occurred briefly in the early times of our relationship and then more predominantly at the end of it or the slow demise into its final days shorlty before she went out with the current guy.  It so saddens me and again reduced me to tears talking to Dawn about this.

I last saw No2 at Abbi's birthday evening some weeks back and before that it was some weeks.  I have text her in that time and received what felt more like a robot response and again nothing since.  On the one hand I feel as if I have done something wrong or been bad and being punished but on the other I know that I should message her again but why should I do all the chasing? Its nice to feel wanted and I so want to be wanted, I think I am too unstable right now when there seems any offer or extension of friendship, I find it too overwhelming.  I know the absence of her makes me feel less subject to scrutiny but I miss her all the same, its as if I have placed her into some position where she has become my last 'hope' of remaining as people know me although, has that point really already gone?

I so wished she would remain in contact and we could be as before but I don’t want to make things harder for her by pestering her if peace from me is all she wants of me, although I hope she knows that I would always do absolutely anything for her.

Tired, had enough.

x