Tony and I

Hi,

Been a nostalgic night of TV and impacted me on several levels.

Firstly it was a 10 years-on thing for Take That, was interesting.  I remember them doing the press announcement at the time, I was at work and heard the voice of Gary kinda cry into his hands about how Take That were to be no more.  I found it funny at the time as I didn’t really like them, although I liked the song Pray, and the impact of their break up was pretty much a non-item for me, and the ensuiing stories of Robbie before he went solo at the time.

It was interesting as it made me think back to then, plus I have kinda lived 'their' lives and grown up with them so, from a voyeuristic point of view I found myself seeing how and what they have become as comparisons 2 me.  Apart from, er, Jason I think it was, and Robbie, the other 3 seem well settled and comfortable.  Either nice houses, children, marriage.  At the end even Robbie said that he would swap what he had for what Gary has got, meaning I believe that he would like the whole familiy setup thing.

My sadness here was that, like my immediate familiy, these guys have all things I will never, ever have, and I don’t mean materially.  They seem so comfortable with themselves and their lives, they appear to be internally happy, comfortable or stable with who and what they are and were, and I don’t mean pop stars.  So, there was watching this historical program from then until now and the emotions it stirred because of music and culture, and then because it made me think to back then up until now.

Don’t know why but writing the above is just making me sob or bawl far more than the program did.  I can only imagine that it is because I am conciously trying to develop my thoughts rather than simply being a recepticle for the TV.  I have no idea what single emotion is utmost present in my mind, just that I feel so so sad.

I think I feel so unsure of myself, of what I want to do, what I need to do, what I ought to do, what I am not, what I had, what future do isee from both personal and career just everything.  Just feel so empty, devoid, directionless and lost. I so wish I could just be back to 95 or 96 when there was still so much more promise outweighing any either suspect or probable now current misery.

After that I watched an episode of The Sopranos and I forgot since I watched em all last year, just how good this program is. Again, it stirs up many emotions.

Firstly there are so many 'caricature' strong super men in there.  Their world is governed by brute force, they are so free to express themselves and are uncaring or unconcious of themselves.  When I see them stroll around on screen being absolute it reminds me how I once was.  Things for me were easy, certain things had become expected of me so that only served to make my role easier, whilst all the time it was only a veneer.  I wish I could just be like that again, all the above would then in time simply go away.  I know they would because it all worked for me in the past.

And then Tony expresses concern over his sons development, that he feels that the son needs toughening up.  Of course the mum says he doesn’t and they differ.  Later, as Tony thinks he is going down for murder, he is in a drunken state at the table when his lovely daughter, Meadow, comes home.  She is criminally beautiful.  Anyway, Tony beckons her over and to sit and talk and it becomes a moment of paternal intimacy.  What is conveyed is the love between them, the dismissive like quality from Meadow but the dutiful unconditional love from Tony.  Also throughout the episode Tony tries to involve the son in similar bonding moments.

Like last year, the Tony character reminds, or makes me think of my father or brother, maybe because he has a similar build, dunno, but the moments like the above arent usually lost on me.  I can see my brother in the same tender way to his children and again, it is a closeness I will never ever have.  Then from that I think of Esther and again a time long gone, we moved outta the sun but I'm cold.

I am unsure if it is a child thing I feel, I suspect that it is more the undying intimacy or closeness I feel I will never know.  There will never be someone to be there when I am an old something, I fear I have been digging too long and didn’t look up. I cant even ever see myself with anyone as I don’t know myself or where I am or where I'm going. Everyday seems to be a queue for the next and I hate queuing, batteries in the music only lasts so long.

My head hurts so now