...almost...
Well, tonight i had at least managed to give No2 a note which, after a couple of hours of writing had turned into an epic note, explaining some things. Principally it only touched on my having been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and i unfortunately had to chuck in the transexualism word just because it is the most recognisable word, although not fully applicable to me at this stage. I cried a fair bit just talking to her about giving her the note as i didnt know if i should, if i shouldnt, what could go wrong, blah blah.
I think ultimately she has to know.
I have nothing to lose as someone is gonna find out soon and i would rather control the discovery.
What do i gain from silence? Just more madness and protracted periods of counselling and what is the point of the counselling if i selectively act upon things?
What do i gain from opening up? Well, even if i am wrong and this whole nightmare disappears then the worst i have done is to be open and shared my dilema to resolution with someone i care deeply about. Worst case is i get seriously laughed at and ridiculed, best case is encouragement and help but mostly support that the right answers will be ok.
We left it that she will keep the note and read it tomorrow (I think) unless she hears from me otherwise. I said that that would be ok, she knows how much i hurt over this but she is now more worried for me. She is so empathic it hurts. She told me that i am too which is nice but i think she is very much so more than me. So for now the note lives in the kitchen drawer. I said that i am worried that she will take what i have written the wrong way or too extreme, something like that, but she said that that is fine, we can talk about it after its been read which i hope is true. I will be majorly gutted if the note finished everything. I very strongly doubt it but always a chance of course, nothing ever being certain.
Well, thats my big news for the day and possibly the weekend as i am back to work. I am almost out, i am living in someone elses kitchen drawer, weird thinking of it like that!
Nat.xxx
PS
Oh, another thought. We were watching Celebrity Big Brother which has just started over here tonight in England and one of the housemates was revealed as "Pete Burns". Now, he was ok looking back in the 80's but to see him now, ummmmmm, he looks way feminine. I saw him come on and i thought of my letter in my coat pocket and my heart just sunk a little...why tonight? dear me. Then one of the other housemates is some American crossdressing guy and it just all seemed so bad, awful timing on my part, the thought of being labelled as one of them or with them so presently banging around in someones head when they read my letter. Ah well, ya gotta laugh when theres no more tears.
I think ultimately she has to know.
I have nothing to lose as someone is gonna find out soon and i would rather control the discovery.
What do i gain from silence? Just more madness and protracted periods of counselling and what is the point of the counselling if i selectively act upon things?
What do i gain from opening up? Well, even if i am wrong and this whole nightmare disappears then the worst i have done is to be open and shared my dilema to resolution with someone i care deeply about. Worst case is i get seriously laughed at and ridiculed, best case is encouragement and help but mostly support that the right answers will be ok.
We left it that she will keep the note and read it tomorrow (I think) unless she hears from me otherwise. I said that that would be ok, she knows how much i hurt over this but she is now more worried for me. She is so empathic it hurts. She told me that i am too which is nice but i think she is very much so more than me. So for now the note lives in the kitchen drawer. I said that i am worried that she will take what i have written the wrong way or too extreme, something like that, but she said that that is fine, we can talk about it after its been read which i hope is true. I will be majorly gutted if the note finished everything. I very strongly doubt it but always a chance of course, nothing ever being certain.
Well, thats my big news for the day and possibly the weekend as i am back to work. I am almost out, i am living in someone elses kitchen drawer, weird thinking of it like that!
Nat.xxx
PS
Oh, another thought. We were watching Celebrity Big Brother which has just started over here tonight in England and one of the housemates was revealed as "Pete Burns". Now, he was ok looking back in the 80's but to see him now, ummmmmm, he looks way feminine. I saw him come on and i thought of my letter in my coat pocket and my heart just sunk a little...why tonight? dear me. Then one of the other housemates is some American crossdressing guy and it just all seemed so bad, awful timing on my part, the thought of being labelled as one of them or with them so presently banging around in someones head when they read my letter. Ah well, ya gotta laugh when theres no more tears.
posted by Buuuug @ 1:47 am
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