Kong and failed revelations

Hi,

I got up about 1pm and tried to make myself buy some foundation that Leah let me use on the Saturday night but the Supermarket was just so damn busy I wimped out.  Stupid, its only buying something but I feel so awkward.  I don’t really want to resort to mailorder as I shouldn’t have to, its only selecting an item (I even know the make!) and popping it into my basket but no, couldn’t even do that.  Will have to try tomorrow now as it has annoyed me, pathetic really.

I went to see King Kong tonight with No2 and nephew, that was a real good film, very touching.  No2 cried a bit at the end when Kong and Anna where together atop the Empire State Building.  The 'pew enjoyed the film greatly too.  I felt quite jubilant about No2 wanting to see Kong as it meant I would spend some time with her afterwards and I could try and tell her about everything.  We dropped the 'pew off and whilst she put baby to bed I went out and got us a kebab, then I tried raising the subject of things by asking her what she thought, if anything, of my sessions with the counsellor.  She then asked what a counsellor does as she seemed to confuse her role with that of my psychiatrist.  One that was sorted and much time passing as I tried to keep bringing the conversation selfishly back to me.  I asked what she thought the cause of my visits to the counsellor were about and after some thought she replied that originally she thought it was because of my getting older and things changing and my resistance to that.  That surprised me I think, certainly disappointed me as I rather hoped she would be a tad more precise or closer to the reasons than that.

I continued with the line of talking but I got the feeling that without me just coming out with everything then it wasn’t going to go very far, although she did get melancholic at one point trying to understand.  The conversation broke down to a hard level to articulate here but in short there was no big revelation/closet bursting as I hoped would happen.  I am to see her tomorrow to help her finish some décor so I will see how things are then.  She could tell I was upset and for the first time in a loooooooooooong time she actually cuddled me on the doorstep, I usually cuddle her but she kinda backs away. I got back to my car and just cried for a bit and then drove home trying to compose myself but kept breaking down.

She had said I could write it to her but that she found an old letter a couple of days ago and presumably read it again as she said that it still made no sense to her even now.  I also should tell her as long as I don’t regret it.  Regret it?! Gawd, I regret not having said something sooo many times but the fear of regretting saying anything to non medical people is a major concern.  I don’t know what to say to anyone,  to simply come out and say "I'm trans gendered and am gonna change" is not how I have crawled to where I am so far.  I don’t know where I am going with myself, just that the further from where I was the happier I feel about myself (altho the fear of discovery and wrongness/naughtiness seems to increase).  I again told her that I find it hard to talk or write because I am so guarded, if she knew everything then I would not need to be so guarded.  Just talking to her and trying to answer her question of why I seemed to bring up the cost of treatments so far so often is difficult with her not knowing everything.  The reason I mention the money is to perpetuate the conversation, to accentuate the amount of effort I have put in to not being gender dysphoric and despite my original hopes that I would be told I am wrong, I am not suffering that the truth is that I am suffering that and no amount of hoping or wishing otherwise is gonna change that.  That is where the value of the sessions come from.  Not the fact that they have failed me (to talk me outta it), but the fact that I havent is proof that I have to accept what I am, so ultimately the sessions have done something.  About £4500 (approx $6k) so far, more if you include the psych bills, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!

Ah well, I had to go so she could go to bed, she did say I could stay and sleep on the settee but I had to go, I knew I was gonna be too upset as I could feel the frustration and sadness building.

Shame, up until the point of going to the film I had been intending to write about how I couldn’t get the weekend out of my mind, how I wanted the night to continue and not have ended, how it felt to have been treated so normally.  Its taken a fantasy life turn for me at the mo, as if all problems didn’t exist that night as I was anonymous there, the guys were all so nice and dismissive of my origins, just everything…

Ah well, soon be tomorrow, I can feel my hot milk making me feel dopey now so I hope to sleep in a mo.  I hope to buy that makeup tomorrow now, not so much so that I can use it or plan to go out around here with it but to prove to me I can do it and to also punish myself for not getting it earlier, just a simple @uckin purchase of an item, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh, loser.

Nat.xxxx