New Years

Wow, loadsa things to say for this night as it was one of the best and most significant of my recent years and certainly progression.

My friend Leah had invited me up to Norwich for a night out with her friends to a gay bar that they all go to and she was cool for me to go dressed.  I first travelled to hers, (unfortunately she lives about 2hrs away from me, we both wish we lived nearer) and met her mother, sister and husband, that was not as weird or uncomfortable as I thought it might be at all.  Obviously they know all about me and stuff so I was just myself and didn’t worry about it, they were all way cool with me and didn’t treat me in absolutely anyway other than they would anyone else, not judgemental, sceptical, anything.  Lovely! 

Its not usual for me to be 'open' and human with anyone I am around. IE, my familiy and few friends know nothing of how I feel and am going through so just perpetuate the madness I feel I live through and uncomfortablility of it all, making me feel I am not real.  Medical peeps who do know only see the clinical side of me, the enforcement of what I am and am doing, what I want.  Being there with Leahs familiy was just so normal, I was just another person drinking tea and being offered rolls to munch on.

We left there about 3ish and headed up for Norwich which was another 2 hrs or so away but she drove and that was cool, I played passenger and we just chatted and had the moooosic on.  We got to our hotel easiliy and checked into our rooms, (I couldn’t believe what we had for £30 which even included brekkie!) and then went out looking for food and drink to take back with us.  We drove about a bit and found a McD's and an offie where we got some WKD's, here she made some comment about my breasts showing a lot and I laughed as I don’t think that they look that visable yet but she thinks they do as has another friend before.

Once we got back to the hotel I pulled out my clothes I had taken and got changed into some stuff and showed her what I looked like dressed for the first time (which is weird in itself considering how many years we have known each other!), at first I felt really silly cause, well, I think I felt as if I was toying or pretending, something like that but as usual she was just cool and unassuming which is so calming. I was fine about the dressing thing after a couple of mins, just had to normalise the situation to myself and was really thinking I could go out like this, she really encouraged me with how I looked and said that if I felt ok then I was good. Called me a skinny bitch which makes me laugh. I tried different combo's with her inputs and then she encouraged me to try makeup if I wanted.  I used some of her foundation as all mine was too dark and it worked great, it just disappeared nicely. Unfortunately our taxi was only about 20mins away and I knew anymore makeup would really make me have to go out fem as I wouldn’t have had time to remove it.  I got to about 7 minutes before the cab arrived when I decided I couldn’t do it and changed into my jeans and pinkish top anyways but left the foundation on. 

When Leah returned she was cool about what I had done and didn’t make me feel bad altho I knew I was unhappy to not go out as I wanted.  I knew I would be angry with whichever descision I made but kept that in and got on with it, to be honest, I think I had to much new stuff going on to occupy me.  I had been wondering how I was gonna walk out a busy hotel dressed, get into a taxi, things like that.

We got to the pub and fortunately her friends were just coming down the road.  There were 5 of them and she had briefed me on who is who but when they were introduced it was too many names in one go! They all seemed lovely peeps tho, I was introduced to them as Natalie and they were just so O.K with that that there really was no judgement or further discussion about it or even consideration, I was a girl.  We all got drunk and chatted and stuff. 

The inevitable toilet bit came up and that was a concern earlier in the evening too. Being in jeans and top I thought my descison was kinda easy however, I told Leah where I was going and she told me to use the ladies.  Feeling uncomfortable about it but drunk I thought er, ok, it was right next to the guys and there was no Q afterall! I went straight for the empty cubicle whilst she waited outside and I heard some other girls come in.  I flushed and went out to wash my paws kinda looking down so I wasn’t 'caught out' but the three girls just kept chatting away and I left with no comments or seemingly discovery from any of them.  This happened a number of times and I was amazed, howver, I didn’t wanna push my luck and thought I best use the guys as I didn’t want to join the Q in the girls toilets.  I went in and did my thing and the guys who were there gave me real weird looks.  I thought that was weird but left it at that, I washed and sheepishly left. 

Later I needed it again and thought I couldn’t use the womens now I had used the guys so went back into the guys, which I did then for the rest of the evening.  Again it was busy, some sniggered loads, others waited for the one cubicle rather than the adjacent urinal, even waiting outside the main toilet and I got the shocked stares from those who did use the one next to me and who looked at me.  This all hit me how much I must have changed visually, it was an apparent gay bar and I got no comments from the ladies but felt uncomfortable in the guy toilets. Mad!

The guys we were with were real nice, Tim, the partner of Leahs friend Elliot was as she described him, just so so so nice.  He talked to me, encouraged me onto the dancefloor, held my hand and ressured me generally at times it could have easily upset me.  Elliot was real nice too but Tim really stood out.  Leah had said I was a girly girl which amused me, I thought I would or was not that at all.  All 5 only ever treated me as a woman in any conversation or gesturing, never ever as a gay guy at all, ie, if any hugging took place or anything like that.  If I thought about it it did make me muse over how I was where I was, how I was dancing on a dark stage holding hands with a gay guy so normally and who only saw me as female and was easy with me and I really didn’t feel threatened by it, when compared to boxing day when the ape in the pub WAS regarding me as a gay guy and I did feel threatened.

Come midnight it was a great way to see in the new year, we all got together to wish the year in and it was cool.  Elliot and Tim made me promise to be the real me the next time they saw me and would repeat this for the rest of the evening which was so so nice to hear.  I was being told how I had such pretty features, lovely hair (I laughed at that inside, worrying about my overall coverage), it was just all so new to me and all from a hitherto unconsidered source like 6 months ago. Has been very confidence boosting.

By the end of the night we tried to get cabs home but they had all been either not answering or busy, or closing, etc etc.  Leah and I said we would walk back as we were going the other way but Tim wouldn’t have it, not sure if it was a gender thing or tryng to keep us all together or what, I like to think it was a gender thing.  Then Lisa, a 6th person to the group of Leahs friends and who had pretty much ignored us most of the night had managed to get a taxi and made him come get us too, that made me wonder if she was fine about me or us too as she also referred to us as ladies which again was so unexpected.

We got out the taxi and had to walk back some way but it was quiet, about 3.30am tho, and on the way back some guy seemed to go to say something jolly when I heard him kinda choke on words into silence.  Whether it was cause of us, or me, or summin else I don’t know.  Helped add a balance tho.  The hotel was quiet when we got back, we got back to our rooms, Leah wanted a drink but I didn’t so she went back to her room altho I said she could have a drink here, its just that I didn’t want one.  Next morning came, well, 5 hours time travel and I got up and showered etc. 

We grabbed brekkie and I was sir'ed at the table altho Leah said later that the girls on the desk the night before and on checkout were both addressing us as ladies, not bloke and lady, as apparently the staff at the pub.  All a bit wow really, has made me really feel I wanna get changes going faster, things like that.  The image of the whole night is one I enjoyed but would not be able to replicate nearer me.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t go to a gay bar here, I don’t know of any anyways, it was the fact that they were friends of hers in a place they frequented that made the night, not the mere fact they were gay peeps in a gay place.  They all were great people with differing qualities and seemed sincere in their comments.  Leah also told me that some of them had complimented me loads to her, and when I got home and text her that I was back ok she told me again, "Wow you got home quick! Again you look fab girl and everybody says so! Hugs, Leah x"

It almost feels I have to listen to others as I clearly seem unable to be able to tell myself and to take faith in their comments.  I have taken a big confidence boost at the mo and yesterday when I got home I felt I wanted to tell everyone, I was saddened to be back as it all went so cool up there and it feels I have got to go back to my masked life.  I had also had a call from No2 on New Years eve about 10.30ish and that worried me a bit.  I didn’t want to call in case she asked me where I was as I didn’t wanna lie to her.  Instead I didn’t call until I got back early Sunday evening and made out my battery was dead.  She did ask me twice where I had been during two phone calls which seemed odd, I am wondering if she could tell I was lieing when I said I had been out with a friend in Ashford and whether she was envious in anyway or merely curious if indeed suspicious.

I wanted to buy the same foundation and blusher Leah had today but being bank holiday places are shut at odd times so will buy on Tuesday when normal service resumes.  In the past I would mailorder it but I want it now whilst I feel better about myself and my future.  I have my final laser on the 10th too, then see RR on the 11th for the last time as he is retiring.

C'mon hair, get growing, I want my life!!