Against my wishes, hate

Well, over the weekend No2 had said that she wanted to talk to me about something whenher BF wasn’t around. That immediately set my mind off in different directions trying to supposed what that could mean, the most likely that they were gonna move in together yet again for one of those, last try things. Fleetingly I had mused over a possibility, however unlikly it appeard, of her having told him everything about me.

When I saw her tonight it transpired that she had told him about me and that he knew things in a matter of weeks that I hadnt been able to speak about to someone I love for the last 32 of my earthly years or or the last 5 introspective years or even now, right until this very moment where I still wallow in so much self denial of who and what I am that I am wracked in guilt, shame and embarasment of what I am or becoming. I don’t know what to do, I feel so violated in that my trust has been broken so much about something she was very aware of my sensitivities too. I also cannot stand the thought of him knowing this stuff, its like I have asked some kinda perverse permission to see my friend, No2, he now is fine with meeting me and realises that he has been wrong in how he has gone about things, he has always been so hateful and concerned with me being inappropriate with my friend I think, extremely jealous of me. To the point that he has beaten her before, scares her so much, and she had to be retrieved once by Police assistance because of his domestic violence.

I cannot be friends with a monster like that. I find that manner pathetic and dispicable and not acceptable in anyway.

I was prepared to meet him and be civil for her sake so that he may know me a bit better than the demon he has in his minds eye, however, once confirmed that he knew these things that broke me. I was filled with such despair, frustration, disappointment, then slowly it has gone to hate and anger. Whilst writing this I am still in the hate stage, hate because he has been empowered over me, hate because it was her fear of him that made her say stuff in the hope she could see me more, hate because I wanna simply hate right now.

I cant think of any one reason I am now going through this huge range of emotions as I am, other than I am sure that fundamentally someone I have trusted with so so much has taken my weakness and problems then stabbed me with them and confiding in someone I have tolerated from a distance as he his the father of her lil baby.

My nose hurts so much right now, cried so much I'm gonna get a headache for sure too.

I still love her so very much, I cant turn the clock back but where do I go from here? I cant walk away, what would it solve? I cant trust anything else I say to her, I just don’t know anymore