Clocks

I got up on Tuesday and was in quiet a bad mood, mind dwelling on the news of the night before.  I think I would have to say I was at the angry stage of what I shall dramatically call the betrayal as its an apt label.

She had text me in the afternoon asking if I had still been very upset but I couldn’t answer, I just didn’t wanna think about it as it does upset me.  I messaged her 4hrs or so later and was quite blunt about it, saying that I hadnt cried as yet although my face was still puffy.  Later that evening I went round there but I didn’t say a lot, I didn’t know what to say.  I still don’t know what I want from this as I can see more than my side, however, there is a root feeling that she had no right to say what she had said without having spoken to me first.

I am now feeling a bit foolish about things regarding myself too.  No2 had asked if I had booked a hairstyle appt for Friday but I said no as I  got up late, that was of course a lie, I just dunno what to do.

Still angry my trust has been broken so thoughtlessly
Angry that some maggot knows much about me and now my deepest concerns, and he wont even know what my feelings are as he is getting em second hand.

Angry that now I have no control over where this news goes
Mad that now I am having faltering trust in my own judgement on things, I had trusted her so much and now this?! If I erred on trusting her then how else am I not capable of judging things?

I know now that whenever someone I know says something I am gonna wonder if they know? Did they think that alone or was it suggested? I get paranoid enough and was getting over it with her and now I am slammed right back.

I thought about not going round there last night as I was still mad, I didn’t know what I wanted from this new revelation, unsure how I felt and the purpose of going, stuff like that.  Whats the point of being friends with someone if you don’t trust em? I have people I don’t see for many many months at a time cause to me they are simply people I know and I don’t feel enough of a connection there to make effort.  I have turned into some kinda hermit in recent years.  If I stay away from her now then I have now idead how I am gonna get by or what will happen, yet if I stay if makes me feel false.  I still love her but for me Trust is such an important thing between people, its absence for me diminishes worth an awful lot as a lot of conversation is gone.  Ya don’t just talk to a stranger, you do it to someone you have an established relationship with.

This makes my head hurt, I don’t want to not see her, yet I don’t see how things can be better now. I feel so stupid about everything.

Also getting frustrated by what seems a shit loads of small to an inch long fine hairs falling out a lot.  My worry is either the change in meds is making new stuff fall out already (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek) or, from what I have read, it’s a stage in the regrowth cycle and the next ones will be the thicker terminal hairs, sweeeeeeeeet.  No guesses for which one has all the hop around it and the one that has the fear.

Gawd, it all seems to suck eggs right now, big freakin mutant Ostrich one's