Weekends...

...are particularly loathsome things these days.  I enjoy the Friday excitement and anticipation of the coming occasion as I guess I feel that off of  others however, come the evening on the way home I am aware of the monolithic doom looming over the weekend.  I enjoy the thought of the lie-in but that's it, the rest is of doom and musings of preoccupation, wondering what I can do, what will occupy me until its time to sleep once more later that evening.  A paradox is that I am regretful of the impending return to work following Sunday evening. I also don't wish to appear sad or without direction to a guest foreign student that I may have, I wish I could get up and have impetus to get out somewhere for the day only to return later in the evening but alas, its quite different.  I get up and could sit there until evening and have done nothing.  My only activity at present is either shopping or DIY projects that I may engage myself in, quite, quite pathetic.

 

My mother evidences herself as quite unable to cope or comprehend me, she somehow feels she can compare or compete with me not having seen or spoken to anyone since I left work on a Friday night to her not having spoken to someone for a couple of hours or so.  The latest comment like this was received by me Sunday afternoon and it angered me, I don't know if she wants to compete, wants to sympathise, finds it funny, or plain lacks thought or compassion, I just don't know.

 

Ah well, my pathetic existence resumes it Mon-Fri facade soon and I'll shortly be able to nod off and bid the social torture  farewell for some days, it will return soon enough and I really wish it wouldn't, its too much

Stooodent

Hi,

 

Am now back online again after some days outage caused by my foreign student pestering me for internet access.  I felt obliged cause i messed up the evening before and was really ill and being sick, i was unsure if she even ate the dinner i had cooked, i know i hadnt so i for some reason felt guilty.  Anyway, after not feeling great for most of the Monday i got home, gave her a username and password and she was not able to access it, so, thinking i may have secured my LAN i made a change on my router and just as i hit the apply button i knew it was a mistake! 

 

For some twatish reason, my router allowed me to place it onto a subnet mask of 255.255.255.255, this meant it went invisable to my network and i couldnt get it back again as you cant set a PC to such a silly subnet.  i then tried default resets and no, it seems like a turkey at christmas, grrrrr! So, my act of kindness bit me back and has meant i have had to buy a new router cause its quicker than arsing around trying to get the 5 year reliable one sorted, pooooo! 

 

Ah well, shall now try and use my various bits to keep a student LAN seperate to my LAN and throttle it cause i dont want high charges running up.

 

I dont really like Students being with me, the first one, Dilka (Turkish), was only for 4 days as she was awaiting starting a new job and i did that cause i had to try it cause i knew it would be weird.  Then, my 1st student proper, Victoria (Spanish) was with me for 4 weeks, she was great.  She was a real nice person, smart, caring and was out an awful lot, i saw her once i got home until about 30mins of dinner, this meant about 1hr to 1hr30 every day and i enjoyed the thought of trying to make her like her stay.  Currently, my 3rd, Umay (Turkish) is ok but i havent taken to her.  It could be a Turkish/Culture thing, it could be me adjusting to differant people, it could be because Umay originally came round and introduced herself to Victoria which upset her and then came back another night prior to moving in and letting herself in as the front door didnt appear to be shut properly. I think that all got my back up to begin with and its been an uphill struggle for Umay since then.

 

The reason i have students staying is because of financial pressures fundamentally.  The years of spending on my health issus have caught up with me, i am being squeezed so much i sought advice, have stopped paying credit cards and offered final settlements, fuel gone up loads, mortgage rates gone up so high after a fixed low period, financial problems in the economy so there are less people around to buy my house and ones that do want to buy seem unable to borrow.  I am basically stuck here until things change so to help make the money up its a student to ease the strain.  All pros and cons of course, its my home being shared and i have developed a natural resistance to this after living alone so long (hope it changes) but its gotta be better than getting a Saturday/Weekend job and trying to scrape the money together and be really really run down which then affects my weekday job.

 

Shall try to keep the student thing going as long as possible, its gotta be me as they arent unpleasant as they wanna be liked and learn, i gotta try harder.

 

Have a nice weekend

Big Zed

Ohhhhhhhhh why do i have to wake up....

Big Zed

Ohhhhhhhhh why do i have to wake up....

Sequels, prequels and me-quels

Mmmm now, where have i been?   Well, reading the last post from 2006 reminds me how far i have gone in the last 2 years plus.  Quite funny now but back then i was chirlishly seeking physical affirmation from people such as shop staff and the like, now though i dont need to do that.  Well ok, sometimes i might leave the person guessing on the phone before i either help them out or they guess correctly but by and large i just get on with stuff.  Yup, since the last post i started working for a fabby local government service (albeit still not fully employed), managed to do the whole formal 'this is me' stuff and come out the other side, end my counselling, receive an awfully stupid parting from my best friend for reasons i do not fully know or pretend to understand, swapped my gender 'rubbish' for bog normal debt crap for which i am currently in the throes of and am generally a bit unsettled and teapot right now.  Shall explain further as i go on.

 

Unsure how to articulate past stuff as the intensities of emotions are diminished and not as if written at the time, together with needing to write about current stuff so that i may 'breathe' adequately in the present.

 

This evening i have spent it writing letters number 3 to my creditors requesting their acceptance to my proposals for a full and final.  Has been dragging on a bit and sort of wish it would pass but then i fear my money being gone and credit cards no longer being an option to me as i have surrendered them. Ah well, the Western world is collapsing under it all right now and i try not to worry but keyword is try.  Because i have to try means i am aware which means i do worry unfortunately.

 

Ah well, shall defo write more tomorrow when i can dedicate more time, am too tired now as been writing elsewhere all evening.

 

Nighties.

 

xx

Poor poor blog

I have been neglecting this lil blog over last 2 years.  I have often thought of it, especially recently and wanted to start posting again but for whatever reason I just haven't 'gotten round to it'.  Fact I haven't I would imagine would indicate more a state of mind and time hasn't been right but this morning in bed I found myself drawn to refreshing myself to how I update it etc.

 

Well, now I have and its come back to me how I do it then I shall update more often once again.  Lots has happened in the intervening time and I realistically wont be able to go over it all or even hope to recapture the intensity of the many moments but I shall try and string things together so that its recorded somewhere and I dunno, dunno if there were or have been regular visitors over the time but if there are/have been then a bit of 'fill-in' will no doubt help too.

 

I best get up now, things to do but shall be back later.

 

Nat

Aaack, embarassin'

No2 called today and asked if I wanted to go shopping, heh, try n stop me (despite the wrath of guilt even spending 5pence makes me feel right this mo!).I had to get petrol on the way and when I got to the till and handed over my card (I hate doing that but love to 'test' myself too) I could feel an immediate tension from the cashier lady. She had looked at my card and said "you cant use that, its not your card".  Urgh, if only I had all of em I could have used my 'real' one, so, this was gonna be one of those embarrasing 'outings'.  I said that "er, it is my card" and she said that "it cant be, it says Mr". I explained that it was me and gave out the name that was on the card as she stared at me, I then kinda picked up that she was giving me the opportunity to enter the pin and 'see what happens' and obviously the transaction went through.  Afterwards she apologised but I hate that, I hate making them feel silly or embarrased but I love the affirmation too, plus I lack sufficient confidence to think I'm gonna pass too even though I know that I generally seem to in those situations.  Horrible trade off for the embarrasment it gives to me too tho, I guess I morph in their eyes from a youngish woman to suddenly a dirty 'orrible man in drag kinda.  I really ought to use the 'real' Ms card more often and see what happens, I may pass more than I think I do simply cause the stupid thing gives me away when it says Mr or if I pay cash, means paying the freakin thing off first though so I can make some financial 'room' on it.

Gonna ring the job place tomorrow if I get no call or post in the morning, I need to know if its still alive or not as I have to sort out an income otherwise, the last 7 days or so been on kinda hold for me whilst the rest of life kept chuggin away.  I also have that ridiculous HR meeting tomorrow to informally discuss my stress situation at the moment, I really cant be bothered with the politics tho as I wont go back there and alternatives are slow in appearing, although I HAVE to get another income.  I cant believe how I have put all my hopes into one thing right now, that being the interviewed job of course.  I feel that with that I can get on and be far far happier, however, if I don’t get it I am gonna be financially up the arse if I take carework for the quickness and ease just to give myself a job and stability until an IT thing comes along.

Ah well, that’s tomorrows concern, well, its now midnight so tomorrow will start about an hour or so after I get up heh.

Day 3b

Had my first hair wash today, as much as I remember the panic that over whelmed me last time I was resolved to be more so what about it this time.  However, when I actually came to doing it I was all Eeeeeeky again.  Still, it had to happen sometime.

Seemed all cool, the process seemed different this time on their instructions but it seemed better as it was more passive than before, simply appying the anti bacterial shampoo and leaving it 20mins before washing off.  Was still a bit bloody but not as bad as I think it was last time.  From looking at it it seems I can see more than last time and I am looking forward to the 7 day mark and then the 14, by the 30 it should all be fine and dandy.  I'll concentrate on the 7 for now, that’s when they should be much more bedded in, by the 14 they should be all as ever were, by the 30th ya can chuck all sorts of hair dye and chemicals at em just as ya would have done anywhere else so that’s a bit of perspective.

The back of the head didn’t hurt much at all yesterday, only fleetingly but nothing too harsh…except for bed awkwardness but again, way better.  I think its just where the stitching is large that’s all.

Went out for some air just now along the cliff tops with my friend Abbi which was a step forward, actually being outside and no cap, in a wounded state too.  Anyways, her friend Cheryl arrived and didn’t ask about the obvious which was nice and polite but I rather she did heh, get it outta the way.  Unfotunately it started to rain which I was a bit concerned about and really didn’t wanna put my cap on cause I didn’t wanna damage the new stuff.  When we came back though I had some tingling sensations which I recall happening last time and that paniced me a bit.  Might be a part of the healing, might be the rain, the coldish wind I dunno, kinda wish I didn’t go out now tho.  I'm sure its all ok but I just don’t need stimuli to my disturbed self heh heh.

All day yesterday, Friday, I was hoping to hear about the job I had in essence 3 interviews for in one week.  I was hoping cause I was told on the Tues that they hope to let the peeps know by the Friday once they had spoken with the US peeps who made the phone interview.  Still no post stuff on the Sat so I am hoping I am still in there but its diminished somewhat.  It could be that as it’s a bank hols here on Monday that the directors took the Friday off for a long weekend? The US are awaiting results of the pschometric tests?  All stuff to ponder and dream that the job is still alive.  I sooooo wanna stick my fingers up at the current work HR meeting for Tues to try and iron out why I am so stressed in my current job.  Summin to do with them lying comes to mind….grrrr

Ah well, that’s still 2 clear days away, a humungo asteroid could appear in orbit in that time….