Aaack, embarassin'

No2 called today and asked if I wanted to go shopping, heh, try n stop me (despite the wrath of guilt even spending 5pence makes me feel right this mo!).I had to get petrol on the way and when I got to the till and handed over my card (I hate doing that but love to 'test' myself too) I could feel an immediate tension from the cashier lady. She had looked at my card and said "you cant use that, its not your card".  Urgh, if only I had all of em I could have used my 'real' one, so, this was gonna be one of those embarrasing 'outings'.  I said that "er, it is my card" and she said that "it cant be, it says Mr". I explained that it was me and gave out the name that was on the card as she stared at me, I then kinda picked up that she was giving me the opportunity to enter the pin and 'see what happens' and obviously the transaction went through.  Afterwards she apologised but I hate that, I hate making them feel silly or embarrased but I love the affirmation too, plus I lack sufficient confidence to think I'm gonna pass too even though I know that I generally seem to in those situations.  Horrible trade off for the embarrasment it gives to me too tho, I guess I morph in their eyes from a youngish woman to suddenly a dirty 'orrible man in drag kinda.  I really ought to use the 'real' Ms card more often and see what happens, I may pass more than I think I do simply cause the stupid thing gives me away when it says Mr or if I pay cash, means paying the freakin thing off first though so I can make some financial 'room' on it.

Gonna ring the job place tomorrow if I get no call or post in the morning, I need to know if its still alive or not as I have to sort out an income otherwise, the last 7 days or so been on kinda hold for me whilst the rest of life kept chuggin away.  I also have that ridiculous HR meeting tomorrow to informally discuss my stress situation at the moment, I really cant be bothered with the politics tho as I wont go back there and alternatives are slow in appearing, although I HAVE to get another income.  I cant believe how I have put all my hopes into one thing right now, that being the interviewed job of course.  I feel that with that I can get on and be far far happier, however, if I don’t get it I am gonna be financially up the arse if I take carework for the quickness and ease just to give myself a job and stability until an IT thing comes along.

Ah well, that’s tomorrows concern, well, its now midnight so tomorrow will start about an hour or so after I get up heh.