Pebbles

Hi,

Dunno why but I feel so flat today, one of those horrible days where I feel I am sitting on an edge of tears, anger, frustration, uncertainty and pretty much all the negative ones.

My friend Leah came down late Saturday night and that was cool, we went out for a while in one of the bars near me where they had a band thumping out, we were there till 1.30am ish then.  When we got back we started watching a 50's sci fi, Forbidden Planet but unfortunately I fell asleep.  I am pretty sure I have seen it lots but I couldn’t actually remember what was happening or gonna happen, unfortunately I fell asleep which was soooo rude, I eventually crawled upstairs at 4am and got awoken at about 10.30 by some mad marching band outside.  Was quite a surreal thing really, sounded like a lil toy band with xylophone and things banging out with the big bumpf bumpf drum.  Needless to say, that’s when we got up heh.

To give a brief whizz over the last lotta weeks that I have been putting off;

I refused to do overtime on our last bankholiday, which was the Easter ones as they ordered me to do it and only gave 4 days notice.  I aint one to prod and poke and that just set me off, I could have done it if I were asked as I have done most of the others however, it werent gonna happen.  As a result I had a warning letter from manager saying that "I agree that you are not obligated to do overtime but as you receive a unsocialable hours payment that you would have done it".  That’s bollocks as my contract specifically states that I am entitield to the time off, newer analysts have it written into their contracts that they have to do the out of hours stuff if noone else wants to, I didn’t want to.

He then said about how he noticed I am distancing myself from the weekday team by avoiding going in on Monday and Tuesdays by booking leave time.  Again, he approves the friggin requests twice a month and I hadnt requested leave leading upto the week I would have been on days anyway, plus, I was doing nothing different to what the others had always done for 2 years prior to his current tenure.

Lastly he stated that my tech skills were below parr and would gain from weekday exposure, again, what a joke.  He has 2 people working with me who come from non IT backgrounds and whom I assist on every one of their calls, plus, the idiot signed a yearly review in March to say I was all fine on the tech front.  So presumable in April I had declined so far? Jerk.

As a result he gave me 30 days notice to stop the weekends and start a mon-fri position which I cannot and will not do.  After the shit they created last year this was the final lot, I couldn’t take anymore.  So, currently I am off sick on stress leave and my GP seems co-operative to continue me doing so until I get summin else. Technicallly I am still employed by my current place but I need to get away, things have just become too sour and I feel that they are encouraging me to go by making my life very difficult.  I have never done anything wrong hence they cant sack me so they try to take 4.5k a year from me, make me work hours I cannot do and have never done for them and making it clear in their letter that they feel I have an alternative agenda to theirs.

I am always on time, only had one day sick in 2.5 odd years and always done good work and kept professional, this is just another example of their flawed management skills and business acuman, having grossly inadequate people in the wrong positions.  Anyway, enough about them.

My counsellor was shocked at their treatment considering how she has followed events over the last year or so.  What bugs me now though is that I gotta change, more disruption for me.  I need a money job cause of how much my main process costs yet I find it so hard to integrate at the moment, feeling myself trying to pull back all the time and remain in the background.  Horrible as I cant stop it.

This mess has also been affecting my Uni work which is for my future.  I was 1 week late with March's essay and now been two with Aprils and the last is due on 19th of May, that’s unlikly to happen on time too now.  I keep trying to forget the work situation but I need my security.  Work provides a mindful occupation and moves time along, provides a life stability which I think we all need, direction etc.  Having no job makes me feel uncertain and I cant keep my mind together, it wanders too much and time drifts and its all kinds of bad. I worry about getting another job in time before my sick leave expires, that my income will fall far below what I need to maintain my prcocess, that it falls even lower to make my living costs with bills etc too hard to maintain and compound my problems, all too much.  If I had another income, good or bad then at least I have a grounding, a point of knowing and have something to deal with.

I think I am generally walking round in a cloud of despair, foolish as I recognise it but cant stop it.

I hate being without my hat for interviews but cannot avoid it if I want another job, which is summin I need.

I had an interview at a local company on Weds and just getting ready for that was so hard.  I wanted to cry, to not go, felt silly cause my looks arent exactly conventional, clothes fit oddly cause my bod just isnt very male, I felt very aware of my hair regrowth going on at the front and it felt like a beacon.  Anyways, once there I had to bury all the horrible stuff and simply get on with things, I was aware of odd looks but had to ignore em.  I did the tests and chatted away and somehow about 3hrs summin passed and I was out.  I was told that I should hear Fri or Mon, today if they want a second interview but I have heard nothing as yet.

Met my friend Dawn on the 1st of May, bank hols Monday and that was the first time in a while I got "madamed" when queing for a drink at the coffee counter.  I put it down to the fact that I havent had electro for a week as she has been away, she is back and I get my first session on Thursday 11th which I am kinda looking forward to.  I am not cause my skin is looking lots better again finally after a big gap, however, I have noticed a massive increase in dark hairs coming through on the top lip and so am not looking forward to a shitty face once more for a number of weeks.  When I say massive it is nothing like a guy would get but for me its an eeeeeeeek thing.  I counted somewhere between 50-70 when other weeks for ages and ages its been only about 5 or 6, no more than 10 anyways. On a good note I guess this, from a positive means that they will be killed permanently too.  I just hate the shitty redness that follows although there is no way round it.

I'm sure more goodness has happened and I have skimmed over the last couple of weeks with badness but it was always gonna be hard to write about something long after its happened.  No doubt I have neglected to put summin in for now or biased something but it’s a start.  Bottom line is I am not at work, employed but off sick hopefully indefinately until I get something else, had a birthday and added another year to my numbers, told my friend Abbi all.

Tha-tha-that’s all folks...