Visiting Sperm

I felt pretty good when I got up, thought about doing my painting and some stuff in the garden etc, was a nice day considering.  When I checked my phone sometime mid-morning it said I had a message and a missed call, of course, I expected it to be no2 but nope, it was actually from my father.  This is rare in itself as we don’t have the best relationship and certainly these days I don’t go chasing anyone in order to maintain one, I would rather everyone kinda slip away and leave me to my shame.

When I checked his message it was to say that my brother was picking him up today and bringing him back down to nearer the area I live and would I meet up if possible.  This immediately made me feel sick and disturbed, I don’t know fully why but I suspect a number of things. Mainly, I suddenly felt compelled to have to be busy, to find reasons to not be available things like that.  I sent a message to No2 cause I was so rattled by this prospect and then I left the house, I just needed to be elsewhere and calm down so I went looking for paint.  When I spoke with No2 I just burst into tears, the thought of seeing him, hating the thought of seeing him, knowing hoe uncormfortable I was gonna feel, how upset I was gonna feel with myself for reverting back to maleness, things like that.  Anyways, I bought the paint n stuff and headed home again some hours later.  Once at home I sat in the garden for a bit and did some thinking whilst having a bite to eat and felt better, altho mindful of the fact that he would of course ring me again.

A bit later No2 phoned me and she was a bit upset so I went out again to meet her and we chatted, unfortunately her BF was there when she had called me earlier and that started them arguing 'over' me and she wanted some time away from him to cheer up.  Didn’t make me feel too good that I am causing her problems as well as myself but I thought he was supposedly ok now, but there are other reasons of her own.  Just after I got home again after this afternoon meet I had another call from the sperm asking if I was going over and told me where he was and that he was only gonna be there an hour or so more before my brother took him home again.  Reluctantly I said I'll go then and so went over to join him.

No, all the reasons I didn’t wanna see him again, cause it had been a number of years, came true.  Straight away he said "Oh, I thought you were a woman" then proceeded to dig on that quite loudly, then remarked how I cant shave anymore before also stating I must be having or had electrolysis.  I was immediately bumped into defensive mode and was getting all coy, argumentative and 'bitty' back at him as he then remarked on my voice, how my adams apple had shrunk (they don’t shrink unless surgical!!!!), my long hair, etc etc.  I shut him up by hitting him back that he had no adams apple at all as it was hidden beneath his Mike Tyson like barrel neck and he smiled.  He continued through the hour everynow and then making references to when was he gonna meet 'him' (an imaginary BF of mine), that I'm turning into a woman, cant I drink summin other than diet coke?, why wasn’t I interested in the women he was pointing out, just everything.  He wants me to go up there and go out some time but I cant see that to be honest, I have so gone off drink generally, I hate smelling of smoke (which he does on a chain basis), and I just have not been interested in visiting an alcholic, then watch and share with said alcholic drinks and get drunk with him when he is hard to talk too.  We talk different things, interests in different things, he talks drunk fashion and I simply cannot, cannot, be bothered even with sheer will to listen to the same stuff time and again, even in the same sitting.  Bores the life out of me just so much.

There was more that he said but I cannot remember, I don’t understand a relavance (such as his comment I would have enjoyed his pub recently as they had two lesbians running it), and much the sameness but the point is, after getting home and having processed things on the way home once I was being less defensive, I saw his remarks as bullying, unnescessary and certainly not conducive to encouraging me to see him again in the next 2 to 3 years.  Frustrating thing is tho, and I respect him for this, is that he said what he saw.  My familiy, I would say rest of but he doesn’t really count, either have noticed no changes or they murmur amongst themselves like they do.  They have issues with each other but none of them ever raise them with the one that is causing a concern, its like a cycle, one says to another to another etc so the persecutor knows of the claim but its all done indirectly and gossipy. I despise that, poisonous.  Oh, back to the point, I give him respect for having said it as he saw it and fundamentally he was right, in principal, in how I have changed and am changing. 

As upset as I felt when I got home about how I hated him for all the above, how I hated myself that I am on a pedastal to be shot at, how I hated the fact I let myself be intimidated again into talking in a harder, false voice lest get more grief from him, I had to look for positives and glean anything I can from it.  That is that he thinks I have changed loads, my changes are real still, that I am definitely not 'made' as he is and I couldn’t be a supermale, that I do, as much as I hate it on reflection, adopt or 'morph' my behaviour patterns to fit in with dominant males.  I shall certainly work on that as I do not want to buckle and should not buckle, I am not one of them and should not feel 'heckled' into performing as one either.

When my brother came back from dropping off his wife and kids to pick sperm and his friend up, he asked if I was ok.  I am not sure what he meant by this, I wonder if its that I wanted to get out of the pub and back to the real world for me and sanctuary and he picked up on the way I motioned for the door.  If it wasn’t that then he was party to the conversation earlier and maybe has his own private thoughts that either may have been stired, inspired or intrigued. 

I wonder now if either of them, spem or bro, will call me after Weds and mention anything further...