The road to Oz

On Thursday I met my friend Dawn in a convenient location between the two of us for a chat and a drink, I was quite apprehensive about it cause she said she was gonna dress more fem.  I was anxious for a multitude of reasons, one of which being the main reason I have intentionally avoided all forms of group sessions/meets, busy waiting rooms etc cause I really do not feel comfortable 'seeing' myself in others.  I know its incredibly wrong of me to feel like this and I am probbie no model female myself and unfortunately 'we' all pretty much go through this yet the only way to get to the 'otherside' is to leave the safety of the starting side, makes me feel horrible.  I guess its forcing me to confront my very own insecurities tho, if I had no problems or issues then I wouldn’t feel as unsettled by whatever someone else wore, No2 certainly hasn’t expressed any reservations or anything about how I may dress.  To balance it and to make me appear less biased here or conceited about myself, I feel the same when I am around Leah.  I feel I am 'giving' her away to strangers, that if anyone were in any doubt of what she is then I am only making it harder even though she has no problems at all.  They are both so good and encourage me, especially Leah,  and dont seem fazed at all by the prospect I may cause unnecessary attention.  Makes me seem real petty doesn’t it?  That I know why I feel that way yet cannot stop it?

However, when Dawn got there things werent anywhere near as bad as I imagined them to possibly be and everything was fine.  What is bugging me however is this uncomfortableness as I feel its kinda cruel of me.  As I said above, it’s a stage that’s gotta be completed to get to the destination and its only a reflection of how I feel about myself, not directly targeted against any particular individual.  I gotta toughen up somehow as I'm gonna get burnt at somepoint surely, its remarkable how the mind so powerfully influences us too.  I need to not care what others think once more but my confidence and esteem is currently somewhere down there with the earthworms.  I know I bleat on about it so so so much but I am sure when my hair is better I will be better and less influenced or perturbed by those around me.

Nat